Indulgence vs Responsibility

In my first post, you can take a look here, I waxed poetic about how I could not get to pursue an opportunity to break into the digital marketing space. I felt it wasn't fair that I still had to play it safe especially when I had recently come to realise that life does not reward meekness. I wanted to take my life and do exactly what I wanted and to hell with everything else. Except that everything else was my less than a year old son, a husband, a mortgage, and a concerned set of parents; so hell wasn't really an option.

Now I wrote about that experience in the second half of 2017. Fast forward to May 2018 when I agreed to a voluntary separation from my 10-year corporate job. I'm thinking, this is a sign that it's time for me to shift paths. This is the opportunity I've waited for. So I left my permanent (with benefits) position. Fast forward again to June 2018, I reached out to the owner of that small digital marketing company to see if she needs extra staff. She did and in fact, hired me. I was elated and felt like I was actively pursuing something that I would find satisfaction in.

To be blunt, the job didn't last, and by November we both agreed that I wasn't suited to the position and I left the company.

This is where I come to the crux of this post. I had landed a temporary contract position in a traditional office setting and while sitting in a maxi early one morning and contemplating my stint at the digital marketing company I realised what I had done in those five months. It appeared to me that it had been an indulgence, an attempt to capture a version of myself and my "misspent" youth. It was me trying to wipe out my regrets and paste a shiny new exterior on it.

It had been an indulgence, an attempt to capture a version of myself and my "misspent" youth. It was me trying to wipe out my regrets and paste a shiny new exterior on it.

Now hear this, nothing is really wrong with wanting to or actually trying to do this, once you realise and accept that you can't actually turn back the hands of the clock and try to live out your twenties in your thirties. My attempt to make myself over didn't serve me and failed because ultimately, I was trying to force myself to fit an aspirational version me, for whom the time and place no longer existed. And just like squeezing yourself into an ill-fitting outfit and then going out in it, I was plagued with low confidence and terrible anxiety that permeated everything in those months.

Sitting in that maxi, I realised that I was better served taking my lessons and becoming laser focused on what I really wanted. In the interim, I could use the structure and predictability of the corporate world (which was all I'd known professionally) to reduce my anxiety and as a safe base to be there for my family and explore my interests.

I would still enthusiastically encourage you to try a little indulgence for yourself. It can be a great way to balance any regret that may be plaguing you. In the same vein, if it doesn't work out at first or at all, know that the sting of failure doesn't last long, especially when you seek out the lessons the experience taught you. Do not feel guilty for your indulgence but do be honest with yourself, about what you are capabilities are and what your circumstances are in the here and now.

Let me know in the comments how first world this problem was and how self-indulgent you are. ;}

Me side eyeing life and these "lessons" she wants to drop on me.

#corporatejob #dreamlife #aspirationalliving #lifelessons #digitalmarketing #selfawareness